Creating Events Filled with Love Since 2001
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Creating Events Filled with Love Since 2001 |
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Play Last of a dying breed: It's okay to be single, right? by Jon Cooper, Editor July 7, 2004
As we make that long transition from college to
adulthood - your 20s and 30s - more of us have been diagnosed with it. Every weekend many of us head out in search of a
cure. Others visit countless websites hoping to find their fix. Tone out your parents' queries about why you're
not married - or at least seriously dating someone - and breathe deep. If you're
in your mid-20s and your left hand isn't weighed down by a wedding ring, you're
normal ... just take a minute for that to sink in. According to the National Marriage Project at
Rutgers University the average age of men and women saying "I do" is 27 and 25
respectively. Back in the day - the '60s - those numbers were 23 for men and 20
for women. Those who pour through the nation's marriage data to compile these
stats cite, among other factors, the increase in college attendance as one
reason for the delay in settling down. Since the wedding ceremony is no longer the
doorway into adulthood, young people aren't as marriage-focused as previous
generations, says Ethan Watters, author of Urban Tribes: A generation defines
friendship, family and commitment.
"We've delayed marriage longer than any other
generation in American history," says Watters, 40, who spent more than 20 years
exploring what he terms "the tribe years" - the period in our life when our
group of friends becomes our primary focus. For some, that period lasts just a
few years after college, for others, it becomes more of a lifestyle that can
begin to define us. "It does make marriage a huge issue," Watters
says of an extended transition from college. In 1999, the National Marriage Project's State of
Our Unions - http://marriage.rutgers.edu - reported that "as a right of passage,
marriage is losing much of its social importance and ritual significance. It is
no longer the standard pathway from adolescence to adulthood for young adults
today." "Your single life with your group of friends has
a momentum of its own," he says. "That momentum does not necessarily lead you to
the altar." Watters, whose San Francisco-based tribe started
with Tuesday dinners at the Rite Spot restaurant, isn't anti-marriage. In fact,
while penning his book he married his wife, Rebecca. His book was born simply out of the interest in
the phenomena that sociologists and media pundits spoke about in May as NBC's
Friends finally faded into syndication. While the Central Perk crowd was holding
down the Thursday night lineup for 10 years, Watters and his friends were
dealing with each other's personal and professional relationships. "We did have social capital but our social
capital lay in groupings of friends," Watters says. From writers to artists to
businessmen, Watters' tribe had everything they needed in each other -
everything except a significant other. Sure, they dated. Some even tested the tribe's
rules and dated other members of the group. Those rules are in place because the
tribe's focus is the tribe's survival. "I often thought of my group of friends as a
selling point for myself," Watters says. "That's a huge mistake." After all,
dating can upset the tribe's balance. "The group sees the possibility of losing you to
that potential relationship and the group can respond really badly," he says,
not letting on if such in-fighting occurred among his tribe. Watters, at age 38, was actually the first of his
group to make the move to marriage. It wasn't a conscious decision to wait 20
years before getting hitched, it just happened. "I think I was still of the mind set where I
would go to college, there would be this period and then there would be
marriage," he says. Yes, Watters' family did voice concerns about his
status as single. But after his mother spent time, and a few holidays, with his
friends, "she saw she didn't have to worry for me. She didn't have to worry for
my social well-being." Despite what you may be facing over holiday
dinners, the pressure for 20-somethings to settle down may be waning. "They have this idea that 30 is the magic number
which is ridiculous," Robbins says of some 20-somethings. "Our generation is
doing everything later." Besides being two years shy of that "magic
number" Robbins is well versed in the quarter-life crisis that seems to be
hitting 20-somethings as they near their third decade. She actually wrote the
book (Quarterlife Crisis) on it and has a second - Solving Your Quarterlife
Crisis - due out in the fall. "For some reason people my age have to settle
everything in their life before we leave our 20s," says Robbins who is far from
being ashamed or even self-conscious about her single status. "I don't think
there is as much of a stigma as a there was a decade ago." Robbins says her generation is "determined to
make sure we get things right" and avoid divorces. "We don't want to make the same mistakes our
parents did," she says and her anecdote is backed up by the National Marriage
Project's most recent study. According to the research, various factors -
including marrying at 25 years of age and older - can drop the chance of divorce
by 24%. An annual income over $50,000 and attending college - both of which come
with time - can drop that risk by 30% and 13% respectively. But what it ultimately comes down to is finding
the right person. And we've all sat through friends with conversations about how
they can't meet anyone, or how he or she isn't ready for a commitment. Well, kick your Sex and the City stereotypes to
the curb. Think what you will of Mr. Big and his
lead-Carrie-along attitude, the National Marriage Project's newest study says
he's in the minority. "Men raised in 'traditional' family households
are more like to marry than those from nontraditional households," the study,
titled The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why, reveals. According to the research, which included
interviews with 1,000 single and married heterosexual men, ages 25-34, 55% from
traditional households said they "would be ready to marry tomorrow if the right
person came along." That compares with 43% from other family backgrounds. Enter Doug Gordon, a 30-year-old freelance writer
who lives in New York City. Gordon says he's never had pressure from his
parents - who are still together after 30 years - to settle down. That's why
he's readying for his own walk down the aisle on Aug. 29. Gordon says he had "good examples" of what a
marriage is supposed to be, but also saw the flip side. "I had plenty of friends whose parents got
divorced after 15, 20 and 30 years," Gordon recalls. And while he's ready to change the way he
introduces Leora, his girlfriend of three years, Gordon isn't forgetting those
in his life still afflicted with Singlehood. While in the midst of planning the ceremony -
yes, he's deeply involved as you can see from his daily chronicle of the process
on www.planetgordon.com - he and Leora are working to include their friends,
those cured and those still afflicted with Singlehood, in the ceremony. "We are not having a singles table. I've been at
the singles table and it just sucks," Gordon says. "We definitely don't want to
stigmatize our friends." Gordon says he and his soon-to-be-bride have even
elected to trash the bouquet and garter toss. He says the idea of calling their single friends
who are in their 30s out onto the dance floor to participate in the ritual was
too much. "You might as well make them wear a scarlet S on their chest," he
says. "For us, the wedding is about having our group of
friends there," Gordon says, also acknowledging the additional effort it takes
for those who are getting married to stay close with their single friends. That effort was the genesis of planetgordon.com.
What started as a way to keep friends and family
informed on wedding plans has ballooned into a daily chronicle of his journey
toward the aisle. From the Sept. 30, 2003 entry about a discussion
with his mother over entertainment for the engagement party - she suggested a
jazz trio and he jokingly suggested a clown - to his recent negative review of
Tiffany's - yes, the blue-boxed jewelry Mecca - while searching for wedding
bands, Gordon has become an unofficial wedding expert as people are turning to
the web in search of answers. With the explosion of sites like meetup.com
(which PLAY detailed in last week's edition), friendster.com and tribe.net - it
is evident some people are looking for something other than romance. Watters says these sites are "not a resource to
meet new people, but find the people we are already connected to." It is these types of sites that help people
connect with their community, says Watters, and discover the "shadow ties" that
exist. "By definition, you don't know the friend of a
friend," he says. People who have a vast network of "shadow ties" have a larger
pool of people to help them find a job, an apartment, or even a spouse, says
Watters. (Think Kevin Bacon.) Still, for millions of Americans - and thousands
in Connecticut - sites like Match.com are viewed as a potential cure for
Singlehood. Match.com has 12 million members. Kathleen Roldan, the site's
director of dating, didn't have numbers available for all of Connecticut, but
said 26,000 on Match.com list their residence as Hartford. Roldan suggests those afflicted with Singlehood
should "make an effort to broaden your network of friends so that you can stay
involved in activities that attract other eligible singles." "Remember that there are a lot of benefits that
come with being single," Roldan says. "And when it comes to dating, the journey
is just as important as the destination. We may very well be living in the
golden age of dating with singles experiencing new and improved freedoms that
allow them to better express their style, personalities, tastes and ideals." For Blaire Allison, that journey has led
her online in her search for "an incredible guy." The New Jersey native, who runs her own
company organizing bachelorette parties and who also works as a dating coach,
has declared 2004 as the Year of Blaire. By December, she will be engaged, at
least that's what her website, www.marryblaire.com, says. The only issue is that's she doesn't have
a boyfriend. The site not only includes her basic bio,
what she's looking for in "her husband," but also pictures of what her reaction
will be when her man pops the question. Allison is far from marriage-obsessed.
Her site, which she launched about a
month ago, started as a bit of a gag intended for friends and family. It was a
way to test the water and see if they might happen to know someone for her to
date. Once the web address started getting
passed around, the emails started flowing in. There are guys applying for the
position of husband; there are women asking dating advice; and there are women
asking for Allison's seconds ... her castoffs. And Allison's not selfish. She's posting
the photos and bios of the guys that don't fit her specs in an effort to help
others in their search. When you visit www.marryblaire.com you'll
see the site is far from being a mantrap. It's simply a way for Allison to shun
the stigma of admitting she's ready to settle down. "I've always seen myself being married,"
Allison says. "Everyone's so embarrassed ... Nobody would ever say they're
looking for their husband or wife." What it comes down to is there is no simple cure
for Singlehood. We're not even really sure it's a disease. PLAY's prescription
is to enjoy what you have and keep the stress in check. Like Watters says, "We do things so out of order.
We do things in any order." Just enjoy it. After all, 30 is just a number,
right? |
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